Invisible

Life can be such a sad lonely place when you are alone and unwanted. Everybody needs to belong to someone or something. Everyone needs to have at least one person who will listen to them, or at least take some sort of interest in them. If you have no one, then you are more or less invisible.

Growing up I felt invisible most of the time. Not all of the time because I was acknowledged from time to time, but that was usually to have the blame for something going missing or something going wrong. Everything bad that happened was my fault. Most of the time I was ignored, but I had to constantly listen to how 'perfect' my sisters were, in my parents eyes. They were constantly having things, if not material things, it was with praise for something that they had done or achieved.

Growing up, if my mother was drinking or about to start drinking; her vicious tongue would come out; if she knew I was sensitive about something, she'd bring it up and twist it until it upset me; she often told me she wished she'd had an abortion instead of having me; or she'd expect me to be hugely grateful for the fact that she hadn't aborted me; deep down I wish she had aborted me; it would of been better. When my mother was drunk, she wanted to hurt someone, it was usually me, she loved seeing me in tears. The words always hurt so much more than any of the violence.

My father was just as bad in drink. He was a cruel twisted violent drunk; his tongue was just as bad as my mothers, but obviously his fists hurt more, but I learnt to take the pain, but I could never toughen up from the words. They cut the deepest. My father would often tell me how useless I was; he told me he expected more from me, he expected me to be good at Maths and science, but instead I was good at history, English, drama and music. He told me I was a big disappointment and unimportant to him. When I was sixteen he told me that as far as he was concerned I was as dead to him as his own mother, she had just died the week before; and as far as he was concerned the only people he was interested in or cared about were my sisters. Neither of them are his biological children, I am his only biological child.

All I ever heard from my parents was how horrible and bad I was, how useless I was and how amazing my sisters were. My father has never said anything nice to me, never said well done for achieving anything, or congratulations. The only thing to ever come out of his mouth were insults, blame and sarcasm.

My mother is a different story, she has said nice things from time to time, but only if she's been drunk and wanted more booze, but she would always take back anything nice she had said, either because she got more drunk, and when she is drunk she thrives on arguments, she loves causing huge rows as she loves the tension they cause and all the attention she gets from it; but she would also take back anything nice she had said the minute I didn't obey one of her very many demands she would make while drunk. Although to be fair, my mother has said half nice things when she's been sober, but they're always finished off with an insult too, she would always add something negative.

Growing up I was always left out of things; family days out, the occasional short family 'get away', or any family gatherings or parties. My family would get invited but I would be left out. My parents would say to me, 'its not your thing', or they'd tell other people, 'not to invite me cause its not my cup of tea'. I was invisible.

With my career or any studies I did, I had no help at all, no support and no encouragement; in fact my parents would do anything they could to make it even harder for me, sometimes it has been impossible; climbing Everest would of been easier. I was desperate to stand out and be seen by my parents, in the hope they would accept me and include me as part of the family. I so desperately wanted to belong! But there was nothing I could do. Now I am changing direction in my career, and I am going to do the things that I really want to do, for myself and my own personal happiness and achievements, not to stand out in the hope of being accepted by people who are not interested in me. Although it is very difficult to take on new challenges, especially as I am filled with so much self doubt, thinking I am not good enough and thinking that everything will go wrong; but I must try! I have been programmed all wrong but it is now up to me to put it all right.

Strangely, after everything that has happened I don't hate my parents, but I do hate how they treated me, and I know it was wrong. I also know it wasn't my fault. I never had a happy childhood, in fact I never had a childhood, I had to look after my parents, getting caught up in the middle of their pathetic arguments; I had to keep the house tidy and look after my younger sister; but I had no thanks for what I was doing from my parents; as far as they were concerned it was my fault they had money problems, drank too much and had an unhappy marriage. It is always easy to blame someone else for your own mistakes, if you want your life to change, stop blaming others and take control and make the changes you need.

I have done everything I can to get accepted by my family, but nothing changes, no matter what I do. I've learnt the hard way that you can't make people want you; if you're rejected, you are rejected no matter what you try to do, or what you try to achieve. That bond and connection that should of been there in childhood isn't there, and it never will be.

Although it is not too late for me. To begin with I have to accept the past and I have to accept that none of it was my fault; it was other people trying to remove their own guilt and transfer it onto me. One day I will be able to fully heal from my broken past, because I do belong to someone, one day someone will want me. Allah has already chosen that perfect person for me. The greatest thing in life is not being loved, but to be able to give unconditional love to someone; to be able to surrender your heart to someone; to submit your soul, your very being to them. Love can repair everything.

I am trying to prepare myself ready to find that person I belong to, I am ready to heal and move forward, one day I will be strong enough and ready for love. There will be a time when I am no longer invisible.