One of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life, is speak openly about the abuse I suffered at the hands of paedophiles. The strange thing is that to begin with, they were kind to me, they listened to me, spent time with me; but I have learnt that, that is how they 'groomed' me. I now find it hard to trust anyone, even if they are kind or unkind to me, I guess sometimes I panic more if anyone shows me kindness.
This may seem like a strange thing to say, but I feel lucky because most of the abuse was violence; physical, mental and emotional. Even though I had problems with my parents; I would never want to see them harmed, this is how the paedophiles 'controlled' me, I kept quiet because they told me they'd beat my father, put him in a wheel chair, and they'd rape and kill my mother if I ever told anyone about them.
I have discovered that they abused me because they wanted to control me with fear! Like with a lot of sex crimes, it is not always about the sex, quite often it is all about 'control'. The sexual abuse I suffered was never penetrative because I would fight back, I never cared how much they punched me, I could take it! The sexual abuse was forced oral. My abusers also liked to strange and choke me, they wanted me to know that they could kill me at anytime if they wanted. They even sold me to other paedophiles for 10p or 50p a time. They wanted me to feel worthless, or almost worthless.
The hardest part of the abuse for me was the things they said to me; they kept telling me they had infected me with aids and I was going to die. I have lived with this lie for many years, it is the one thing that has been killing me all my life, it is how they are still in 'control' over me today. It was only recently I discovered that they were lying; I am negative. Even though I have a panic attacks at the thought of someone touching me or coming anywhere near me.
Most people don't understand the affect sexual abuse has on someone, it destroys you from inside, makes you afraid of your own shadow. You become paranoid and afraid of the smallest and strangest things. You isolate yourself from people, you become reclusive, wanting to shut yourself off from people, and you want to shut the world out.
A few years ago I decided that I'd had enough, I decided to fight back, but after a while I realised that the person I was really fighting was myself; my own fears, my own mind. I wanted to let my abusers know what they had done to me and how they made me feel, but ultimately I wanted to know who they were and why they did what they did.
I began my search looking for them and looking for answers. Part of me wanted revenge and part of me (well most of me) wanted peace. I spent a few years speaking with abusers, trying to get into their minds, trying to understand them, but listening to them made me feel ill and sick, but I became addicted, desperate to find out the answers to my questions, but what I learned is that if anything traumatic ever happens to anyone, you spend your life desperately looking for answers, but at the end of the day, the question is always the same. Why? The question is always why, in the end you have to let go of the past in order to live, live for today and tomorrow.
The truth to it all is that we are all victims. Most of the time abusers abuse because they've been abused, or they've experienced some type of sexual encounter from a young age and they've enjoyed it. The abusers mind is like the mind of an addict. They see the abuse as fine, so they abuse, because they enjoyed it, they think everyone will. Sadly it is unlikely that they'll get any help because they behave like addicts, deep down a part of them knows it's wrong but they'll hide it away and keep doing it.
One of the things that worried me and made me panic was the fact that abusers abuse: I'd rather die than hurt anyone the way I was hurt, but I have also learnt that, if you know it is wrong, you will be fine. You just have to learn to accept it, by talking about it, and most importantly you have to get over it. The most important thing is to let go of the past. Your best revenge in life is your own success and happiness.
