Happy New Year everyone. 2020 has arrived and so far its been horrible. My mother was unusually sober over most of Christmas, until New Years eve, then she hit the bottle and so far she's being her usual horrible aggressive drunken self; full of the usual self pity and her hate and anger is aimed at me. 2019 was hard for me but I managed to understand myself better. I finally realised that I 'go wrong' because I try to be like everyone else, but I'm going to embrace my uniqueness. I am a misfit and I like being a misfit.
In 2019 I was diagnosed with Autism. I have kept this to myself, I'm not telling any of my family yet. I'll tell them and everyone else when I feel ready. All my life I've been called difficult and hard work, but I'm not. I just had different /unusual needs and habits. All my life I've been punished and hurt for not fitting in, for not being like everyone else, and I too have been trying to force myself to be like everyone else, but not anymore.
For 2020 I am not making any new years resolutions, other than being kinder to myself. I will also embrace myself and accept myself. I realise that Autism is more of a gift than a curse. Sure I have a few annoying habits and rituals, but they don't affect anyone but me. I also do a couple of repetitive things like walking back and fore, which may look a little strange, but it calms me, its called 'stimming'. But because my mind/brain processes things differently, this for me is a good thing. As a child I had a photographic memory, the trauma from Complex PTSD has affected this, but part of my memory is still brilliant. I also have a very high IQ which is a good thing. My only tricky areas are I have zero sense of direction for some reason, and I have heightened senses (light, sound, touch, taste etc...etc..). This is why I didn't like hugs or being touched as a child, and probably why I've never had a relationship with anyone. So for 2020 I will be kinder to myself. I hope everyone else will be kinder to themselves too.
No comments:
Post a Comment