Saturday, 31 May 2014

I am so tired!

Why do I waste my time waiting for something that will never happen? Why do I keep upsetting myself and neglecting myself in the hope my family will become a family and accept me, and even treat me the same way my sisters are treated? Why am I even there?

I am so tired; tired of being ignored, unwanted and insulted behind my back. I am tired of all the lies that my parents say to me, lies about what they're doing, what they've got, what they've given to others and where they've been. They lie to me so they can leave me out of things, they nearly always leave me behind and ignore me; but every now and then I am expected to 'pretend' and play 'happy family' and lie as we aren't!

I am tired of the mind games and having them hold me back. I am tired of asking them to help me and in return have them do the opposite, making my work or problem ten times harder. I am tired of having to find the strength to 'get up' and carry on, and most importantly, I am tired of myself; tired of not being selfish or strong enough to look after myself. I am also tired of other people's rudeness, treating me and looking at me like I am a piece of dirt, something they've just stepped in! I am tired of being weak and not having an aggressive nasty side!

I have to accept things will never change; my family do what they do out of habit. They have neglected me, been abusive, destructive and un-supportive toward me for so long, they most probably don't realise they are doing it, it is just natural for them to treat me as they do. They treat me like the enemy! For as long as I am with them they will continue to hold me back and suffocate me; not with love, but with hate and destruction. In life it is so much easier to 'blame' someone else for all your troubles, pass all your unhappiness onto them; but I am stronger than I realise.

I feel like I am a caged animal, but with inner strength I have the ability to change my life and my circumstances; to free myself! The first steps for me to take to become independent and free are dealing with my weight and my career. These are little things that I can do to help myself, and by doing these little things, I will be able to feel better and gradually free myself and start a new beginning. I just pray that I am strong enough!

I have to accept that my family will never help me or accept me, and they will always try to hold me back, because it gives them a reason to insult me to others, a reason to ignore me and a reason to blame me for all their problems; but I have the power to end it all and break away to start a new beginning.

Although I am a loner and enjoy my own company, I do at times get 'lonely'. Growing up I wasn't allowed to go out with friends or even have any friends; I had to look after my mother and younger sister. I did have a couple of friends but none were close friends. I still to this day find it extremely hard to let anyone get close to me, I try to avoid people as I find it hard to trust anyone. My family and so many other people have hurt me so badly and it has happened so many times, I just find it easier to be by myself; but I am hoping that one day that will change, I also hope that sometime in the future I will mean something to someone; one day I hope I will get to experience what 'real love' feels like.

For that to happen I have to help myself and make changes. From today I will try my hardest to lose the weight, I have several stone that I need to desperately lose, this will benefit my health and overall appearance. I can show people including my family that I am not worthless; I am not dirt; I am a person, a human being with a heart and feelings; and most importantly, I am tired of being tired!

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